Lost in thought along the way

pixie___masque @ 2009-10-30T21:12:00

2009-10-31T01:24:03Z

I got the keys to my apartment today, turned on the electricity and waiting to turn on the gas (damn gas stoves I really don't like a lot of heat) that happens on Tuesday. I love it so much. I think I might have a housewarming (a small get together) when I know people are available. I'm thinking my apartment is going to look rather bohemian or hippie dippie or gypsy. I don't know. I just know there will be lots of color and plants. I'll soon be working at my old job (the coffee shop) on Tuesday. And hopefully Comfort Keepers. I would love to have two jobs. Totally make up for my splotchy employment in the last 18 months. Alright so I don't want to take away responsibility for my own blunders, but in the 18 I was with Bruce holding down a job was very difficult and as soon as I break up with him my old job contacts me and asks if I want to work there again. I guess I just find it ironic. As soon as I break up with him all this good stuff happens. Tomorrow I'm moving in all the furniture and all my tubs of stuff. Now I can get all the stuff thats in my parents basement....finally.

pixie___masque @ 2009-10-26T22:47:00

2009-10-27T02:56:24Z

I think this will just be an update post for me personally. Let flow what may!

I've been approved for an apartment on Center St in Wallingford. I'm very excited about this. Also I can have a cat. My sister found a cat a few weeks ago wondering around mewing for food. Turned out she was pregnant. She had her kittens about two weeks ago and when they're old enough to leave the mama I'm taken the mama cat. She's white with blue eyes which normally means that she's going to be deaf. My sister named her Luna so I think I'll keep the name. A woman I know used to call me Luna. Bruce and I also broke up for the final time. And I found a job.....I'm just waiting for orientation to start. However if I don't hear from them by Fri morning I'm calling them Fri Afternoon. I find I have no energy for this. Until tomorrow

Just made it on Sunday October 25

2009-10-26T03:46:16Z

I feel this post may be a little all over the place. But, we'll roll with it. I've been having an awareness, albeit mildy, of a being around me. Very benevolent, kind, loving, only wants whats best for me. About two weeks ago I picked this book up and Boarders and got $5 off the purchase. It's called "Kissed by an Angel" about a Teen who believes in Angels. She moves to a new school because her mom is getting remarried and its there she find her first love. Well, someone has it out for her and he ends up dead. He turns into an Angel trying to reach her because, naturally, she stops believing. I remember my sister reading this book when she was 13. She loved it. Reading it and after I've just started believing in Angels myself. It ignited an inspiration in me that seems to have transformed my attitude and my thought process. Next time I see my sister that book is hers. When I sit quietly expecting nothing of myself, I get this thought "I want to view humanity the way an angel would"

Yesterday someone on facebook said something about smartfood popcorn that made me want some so I went out to Stop and Shop. I get to the self check start to wait in line until I see one thats open. I'm thinking, "thats odd, why is no one using this one?" I scan and pay and as I'm walking to bag my items this little girl I wanna say about 9, looks right at me. Theres something in her I recognize. Then I'm overwhelmed with emotion and the desire to cry. That's when I look over at the girl, her little sister and her father whos yelling at them "for not bagging right" He kept yelling at them. I knew that this is a man who yells and gets mad a lot. And at things that really aren't a big deal. Just annoyances to him. I felt for those girls. I wanted to say to him "do you really need to yell at them like that? " and "you're never going to have the opportunity to know your daughters if you keep it up" He is not a man who would take too kindly to that and the girls would have to suffer for it. As I'm thinking these things and thinking strength she tells her father "you're the one who's scanning them wrong" I know what it's like to be a little girl with a father who yells for no reason. Flys into rages. This is something I very rarely, if ever, talk about. It's where I learned to disassociate. There were so many times I was terrified of him coming home. I didn't know if he was going to fly off the handle and beat one of us. He never left any marks....except for that time when I was 16. That was the straw that broke the camels back for him. He hasn't been full of that much rage since I was16. It's definitely put a wedge in a relationship with him. You know, the messed up part is that when I was little I thought this was OK. It was acceptable and that every father beat their kids. I remember playing soccer and him yelling at from the sidelines. I hated when he came to any of my games. It's just amazing the way things that happened when you were little affect the way you become an adult. The good that came out which can be a blessing and a curse is my sensitivity to how another is feeling. I don't want to go my whole life resenting or hating him...because right now I really don't. Do I wish I had a strong father-daughter relationship with him? Absolutely. I don't think he's ever gotten me a Christmas Present. Maybe one year I'll get one from him. I told you this post would be all over the place.

I'll end it with a happier note. I went to a drum circle today. It was awesome. I realized that yes we all want our own voice but it's important to mesh with others as well. On our last drumming bit I kept hearing flute music. No one was playing a flute.

Creation and Self Awareness
~
Self-awareness is notig more than facing the Great Smoking Mirror that reflects all of life, seeing the parts of Self that are mirrored in others. These parts of self come in every form and with every contact that we have in the natural world. The creative person recognizes how to capture these images and to use them to recreate the former Self into a new potential.

Whether we observe other people, or nature, or scenarios from life, everything can teach us how to grow. When we see behavior that we cannot tolerate, or a role model we want to be like, we can use these examples to create a new awareness within the Self. We can alter our patterns of behavior to reflect the best of who and what we are, noticing what we do not want to be as well as what we want others to see in us. The Great Smoking Mirror reminds us that everything that we perceive is for a reson. These human beings who notice everything they come in contact with know that there is a reason for every experience. They Mayans were right when they said, "I am another one of yourself" ~Earth Medicine

Saturn Octobe 24

2009-10-24T19:50:25Z

This post will be concerning Meditation. I've put Meditation in caps to illustrate its importance. Meditation is mindfulness. It is also starting head on in the "void" the unknown. Meditation has been practiced for thousands of years by people from across all seven continents. There really must be something to this human collective consciousness. If, as I believe we all do, radiate out subtle energies, wouldn't it be safe to assume we all have an impact on the world? Imagine if we aligned our actions and reactions to compassion and benevolence. Meditation is a way to achieve this. However I have to ask myself one question of vital importance to my philosophy: Why, when I know how powerful and transcendent Meditation is, am I so afraid? Fear is destruction. There can be no life when fear is present. There are only two ways to abolish fear. Love and Faith. Love and Faith are the foundation to everything we wish to create.

Desire sets the stage for
The decision to create,
Setting the will in motion,
Using our passionate traits
To weave our webs artfully,
To draw upon our dreams,
To make is all tangible,
And lace it with esteem.

When viewing our creations,
We may then choose to change
The perspective or alignment,
Adjusting the depth or range.
When the web of our creation
Breathes our dreams alive,
We can see how our passion
Allows our visions to survive.
Therein lies the secret
Of human creation at its best,
A dream containing passion
Will endure---
then manifest. ~Creation's Cycles~ Earth Medicine

Tenth Moon 23

2009-10-24T01:18:38Z

It's that time again. This reading will be coming from 24 Hours a Day:
October 23.
Thought for the day
Third, I have learned to be honest. What a relief! No more ducking or dodging. No more tall tales. No more pretending to be what I am not. My cards are on the table, for all the world to see. "I am what I am" as Popeye used to say in the comics. I have had an unsavory past. I am sorry, yes. But it cannot be changed now. All that is yesterday and is done. But now my life is an open book. Come and look at it, if you want to. I'm trying to do the best I can. I will fail often, but I won't make excuses. I will face things as they are and not run away. Am I really Honest?

Meditation for the day
Though it may seem a paradox, we must believe in spiritual forces which we cannot see more than in material things we can see, if we are to truly live. In the last analysis, the universe consists more of thought or mathematical formulas than it does of matter as we understand it. Between one human being and another only spiritual forces will suffice to keep them in harmony. These spiritual forces we know, because we can see their results although we cannot see them. A changed life--a new personality--results from the power of unseen spiritual forces working in us and through us.

Prayer for the day
I pray that I may believe in the Unseen. I pray that I may be convinced by the results of the Unseen which I do see.

I've had a manifestation from these spiritual forces through prayer and gratitude. Wednesday I started to feel open, calm, serene and grateful. I have a deck of Angel Oracle cards and my attention was brought to them. I picked them up, took them out of their box and proceeded to shuffle. I got as far as splitting them into two piles when all the cards in my right hand went flying to the ground leaving only three in my hand. Kind of stacked on top of each other. The cards were in this order: Meditation (upside down) Focus and Guardian Angel (both right side up). When I was finished I felt this soft presence near my right shoulder, I admit I was a little terrified when It tried to touch me and it backed off right away. I felt so grounded and clear. I knew then what I had to do. I asked for help in this matter and today I saw the results of this prayer. Truly mysterious ways my friends...

I found an apartment today that I absolutely fell in love with. *crosses fingers*

10 Moon 22

2009-10-22T19:52:10Z

Today's post is concerning the Tarot. More specifically the 8 of Swords. The power to release oneself but the inclination of self sabotage is strong. Me to a T. This card kept coming up, in a reading I did on myself and on a reading someone else did on me. The picture is of a woman bound and blindfolded which 8 swords piercing the ground, almost in a maze. Self limitations, imprisonment, censure and conflict between intellect and emotions. To find out how I got here I have to dig deeper and look up. I drew four more cards: one behind, one crossing, one above, and one in front. The one behind (past) 10 of Wands. Guilt, blame, taking no joy in life, carrying too many burdens. The one that crosses (challenge/blockage) 5 of Wands. A mental battle within myself. Scapegoat tactics are stopping me from real relationships. The one above (I felt it as an outside force/higher power/guardian angel) The 4 of Cups. Pay attention, don't get sucked into isolation. See it as a chance for enlightenment, psychological insight and/or self healing. More often than not Something is trying to get me to pay attention and I always find a way to isolate, close out the outside world, retreat into my cave. Its a reminder to open my eyes and see what is in front of me. Positive reflection. Don't fear my widening vision. Which leads me to the last card, the one in front(approaching influence) The Emperor. Wisdom through worldly experience. Powerful creative energies. Action as the road to fulfillment. Wisdom. Self discipline. Authority. Protection. Self control. I have no real insight into the Emperor yet. I just feel that if I'm open and honest and stay positive, take the advice and the insight of the other cards I will get to where I want to be. More importantly, where I NEED to be. The tarot I use is Sacred Rose Tarot and some of the interpretations came from "The Tarot Bible" by Sarah Bartlett.

Can we afford to become listless watcher of life instead of creative participants? ~Earth Medicine

Tenth Moon 21

2009-10-21T21:16:33Z

In honor of me wanting to take better care of myself I'm making a commitment to writing some spiritual piece I find. It may be from a tarot card, an angel card, an AA daily reader or from some other source I find interesting that day. Today it will be from "Earth Medicine" by Jamie Sams.

Tenth Moon 21:
FINDING YOUR FIRE
Risk choosing the uncertain
Instead of the predictable, and
You will never tire of being alive

Life's deepest command urges us to grow and evolve through probing the unknown, through abandoning the security of the common place, and through trusting that if we set one foot on the road of the unexpected, the path will rise up to support our desire to explore.
Expecting anything less of ourselves can convince us to succumb to mediocrity. We can only masquerade behind timid facades, living amateur lives, for so long. Ultimately, the self-created trap will snap shut with a thunderous roar! Those already numbed, tied in the mental straitjackets of absolute and rigid views on life, may not even notice when the trap was sprung.

Once solution by Native Ancestors was to make sure that nobody did the same thing all day every day. Camp was moved, the scenery changed, the work details varied. People had to forage for food in areas that provided adventure, allowing all to find their personal fire and to use their creativity.

Today, we can choose to vary our experiences by taking alternative routes to work, trying new things, not being afraid of breaking out of the ingrained habits that produce dissatisfaction.

I can take to heart that very last sentence. When I think about it I have to chastise myself a little. I mean why am I afraid to break free from the negative habits? What is so scary about that which is good for me? I need a philosophical answer. If I dig deep enough I'll find it. Will I have to courage to stare it in the face?

pixie___masque @ 2009-10-12T22:46:00

2009-10-13T03:13:32Z

Time for an update.
I've discovered something about myself today. Let me preface by saying this: My "depression" is extremely cyclical. I go from Euphoric to crashing into suicidal thoughts to climbing back into numb. That's the cycle. What I have discovered is when I'm feeling euphoric I expect things to change automatically and when they don't I lose all hope. I crash back down into the reality and I just want to end it. That soon passes and I'm in a state of numbness. Not feeling happy, not feeling sad....just nothing. I don't want to try, I don't want to succeed, I don't want to fail. There's no definable about of time. It starts with a spark of passion (on my part) and instead of allowing it to build and define itself inside of me I rush forward too fast and that little spark dies out again. Repeating the cycle yet again. I can't tell you how long this has gone on for....I finally recognize what I'm doing to myself. I've been insane this whole time with out even a clue. There are other things that are going on inside me that stop me from ever really accomplishing anything. I was at an AA meeting a few weeks ago when something else came shaken loose from my subconscious. I have a serious inferiority complex. I don't like being around people smarter than me. I don't like not knowing things which is why I don't like school. Because I don't know the answer. When I was in Massage Therapy school we did this exercise of taking marbles and throwing them into a jar saying what/who we are. All the marbles went in except one: I am a learner. My teacher made a comment of "maybe not" I see the significance now. I don't like to learn because that means I don't know. I realized this a couple of weeks ago but have done nothing with this information. I guess I don't know what to do about it. Heh...look, progress.
I do have a job interview on Thursday with Comfort Keepers in Wallingford. I really think that this DUI business has really gotten in the way of getting these kind of jobs. I hope it goes well. I've been out of work for far too long now. I've run out of word steam.....I miss you all

pixie___masque @ 2009-09-01T22:36:00

2009-09-02T02:41:28Z

For those of you who read my last post, Bruce and I have decided to work it out. He has decided to stop drinking and attend AA with me and also take those important steps to better his and my life together. If he does start drinking again.....I'm out that door and he knows that. We definitely have fun together and he doesn't want to lose me. I take my test to get certified as a CNA on Thursday with a review on Wed and I'm going camping this weekend. Thats the superficial story.

pixie___masque @ 2009-08-18T21:42:00

2009-08-19T01:59:56Z

So I bought an album by These Green Eyes. This CD is awesome and emotional and powerful. I've come across one song that I just totally feel:
Last Call at the Dolly:
all right, so this is it?
I've finally had enough
of hanging around here
feeling sorry for myself
it's been almost 5 years of trying
just enough to keep from feeling
bad enough about myself
to question what went wrong
It's like I woke up from a dream
where I was trapped inside a bottle
and part of me had been shut off
and boarded up...
here i am all the choices I
never make and the chances I
never take. the steps i
wish i could retrace...
but i'm not giving up
no i'm not giving up
until the day my eyes roll
back into my head. until i
choke on my last breath
until no one remembers a
single god-damn thing i've
ever said or done. because
I woke up from my dream
and then i threw away the
bottle and everything i
boarded up came pouring
out and...the sky has
never looked so clear.
through blood shot eyes
without the fear of let-
ting go and moving on
and walking on my own. here
i am, all the choices i
never make and the chances
i never take the steps i
wish i could retrace...
this is a trap, the life
we lead. the life we lead's
a lie. we owe ourselves
much more than what we now
accept. until we
choke on our last breaths!
until no one remembers!
until no one remembers!
here i am all the choices
i never make and the
chances i never take the
steps i wish i could retrace...

if you read all that...kudos to you. sometimes I'm like a brick wall. no feeling, no emotion, just....blank. on the surface anyway.

pixie___masque @ 2009-08-15T19:48:00

2009-08-15T23:48:51Z

Sometimes I feel so ugly and huge I wonder how people can stand to look at me.

pixie___masque @ 2009-07-31T23:34:00

2009-08-01T03:44:09Z

So I'm going to word this as best I can. Yesterday Bruce and I have decided to wait out our lease then go our separate ways. And before anyone gets all "I'm sorry yadda yadda" it's not really like that. I mean we've decided to part ways yet we're still acting like a couple. It's the weirdest breakup I've ever encountered. I really do want him in my life. I just don't want to be tied down to anyone. I don't believe in marriage and one person for the rest of my life. I was starting to feel tied down and obligated which in turn was making me moody and grumpy towards him...I was your basic bitch to him most days....except on the days sex was involved....I guess thats all.

pixie___masque @ 2009-07-31T02:41:00

2009-07-31T06:45:34Z

SWF seeks big lovable loyal protective canine for long car rides, walks in the park and hikes in the woods. Will feed well.

Well, my brakes are shot on my car. I tried braking earlier, the pedal went all the way to the floor and took extra pressing on my part to get it to stop. Thank goodness I have AAA.

Today I went to a MADD victim impact panel. My goodness. the emotions flying around that room.

pixie___masque @ 2009-07-05T21:07:00

2009-07-06T01:13:46Z

So I might just get a little TMI on this one....just a warning.
So back in April I went on birth control for the first time ever and have recently decided I hate it. Not that I had any side effects its just...I've felt so clogged in that area. I've also really love the idea of being in harmony with the feminine energies of the moon since the moon doesn't show at a scheduled time every month. I hate not having my period....I don't feel natural and to be quite frank having my period makes me feel like a woman. I can tell a difference in that area of my body already....It feels like its able to let go and damn....it wants to let go. As soon as I stopped which as only been two days. My period has come even though technically I'm not due till the end of the month. So much relief. I dont know how to explain the difference since it's so subtle....kind of like the pressure of not letting go my eggs and such has been alleviated. So as far as birth control goes..i'm gonna go old fashioned and get fitted with a diaphragm.

pixie___masque @ 2009-06-30T00:38:00

2009-06-30T04:39:36Z

Bruce and I have dedcided to move to Florida in October

pixie___masque @ 2009-06-02T22:08:00

2009-06-03T02:18:48Z

I have had a bit of an episode recently. I'm not gonna go into details...it's too personal to post here. But I will say this: I can no longer drink and be safe. There's a part of me that would really like to be evaluated, no scratch that, all of me.

5 more classes left! I've been thinking of making my way to nursing school. I'd very much like to be a psych nurse having been on the other side and having an understanding of what it feels like to be crazy, unbalanced, and no longer stable. I'm really gonna miss the residents at Masonic. I've finally found something I completely click with and just makes me feel so good.

I love how much control we think we have.

I've been thinking I need to paint. I remember I did this painting when I was about 18 in art class and remember thinking "this painting represents me" and last night I was thinking of this painting and how chaotic it was. Nothing made sense. Pretty much it was a mess cuz I was a mess. I really feel I need to redo my painting. I need to be stripped blank and repainted. I need a better picture of myself and I need to realign my energies. I've got things to work on.

pixie___masque @ 2009-05-22T00:28:00

2009-05-22T04:52:20Z

I absolutely love clinicals at Masonic. I love the atmosphere and the people whom I've encountered on the floor. They're all really helpful and nice to us students. It's by far my favorite clinical. Tomorrow I'm applying at Comfort and Care of Wallingford to assist elderly people in everyday sort of stuff. Another girl in my class gave me a number to call for the same sort of work in case this doesn't work out. I'm really glad I quit Cheshire Coffee. It's just more proof that you can never recreate what you once had. The shitty thing about the whole situation is that I was the one who got the brunt of Nick's frustration with how bad business was going. He does shady things anyway so I guess it's a good thing that I'm no longer involved with that. And it pretty much pushed me out of the nest so to speak. Now I'm thinking of getting EMT certified. It's pretty much the same length as the CNA course. Which I've proven to myself I can handle. I do not know how all of you can keep going for another 4-8 years of college after completing high school. I think I would have a mental breakdown knowing I had that long and of having to share the same space with people my own age, sitting in tedious lecture halls where the prof knows nothing about his/her students. So kudos to all of you. Also tomorrow Bruce and I are going to see Korn and Shadows fall at the Oakdale. We're going to be in the pit so I hope I don't get hit in the face by some moshers elbow. 9 more fucking classes and I'm done. Graduation is June 30th. This graduation I am actually going to because I am very proud of myself. I'm rambling. Do you ever just get the urge to type? That's how I'm feeling right now. I Just kind of want to write or rather, type.

Three Things:

2009-05-11T00:51:02Z

I think I like fish. I had some amazing river salmon today and just savored every morsel of it. I do believe fish is now in. It made me feel light after eating it.

I think I know why women like wearing high heels. They make you feel powerful and confident and "I can kick you in the teeth with these on"

I think I've quit my job. 15 min late and he tells me to take the week off. WHAT! are you fucking kidding me? I'm so fucking tired of his little temper tantrums. Fine, fuck you (insert Italian slur, cuz I cant think of one, here) I quit.

pixie___masque @ 2009-04-30T21:53:00

2009-05-01T02:00:59Z

I cannot wait until I am able to work as a CNA. I am so tired of Cheshire Coffee. Cutting hours, the same bullshit, the boredom. It is so unfulfilling. I never want to be at work. It sucks and is a crappy feeling.
I started at Gaylord tonight. I like it there. So much different than at a nursing home. More of an atmosphere I would want to work. I'm also thinking of checking a Hospice Center in Branford as far as volunteering goes. I got an Angelic Sense about the place while my teacher was describing it. I feel it's a place to check out. I really like this field. There's something about giving basic human needs care to someone who needs it. It's only 10 yet I feel its so much later.

pixie___masque @ 2009-04-09T21:29:00

2009-04-10T01:34:41Z

Am I wrong in wanting this country to go through another depression? Maybe then people will realize what is most important and that we are all the same. Why the separation? Is it not our moral duty when we have met our most basic needs to help those who cannot? We're all human. Why can't people realize this? Why do people think money and excess make them special and privileged? Why do they expect everyone else to treat them as such? I'm tired of government, I'm tired of money. So fuck it I am an Anarchist. And I would love nothing more than to offer my services for free. If only.

pixie___masque @ 2009-04-03T21:21:00

2009-04-04T01:22:58Z

At 10PM I'll have not smoked in 72 hours

Reasoning

2009-03-16T03:53:06Z

So I've had a realization about my previous entry. It happens whenever I go to my parents house. A learned childhood defense mechanism that employs automatically. I have no control over it. I don't say to myself "separate yourself for protection" So that was an interesting realization. I have to pee

pixie___masque @ 2009-03-15T19:16:00

2009-03-15T23:22:16Z

Disconnected, that is how I am feeling right now. Kind of like this isn't my life or that I'm stretching away from my own existence. I am not a foreigner to this feeling either. It's really numbing. I feel my chest going numb a little bit. I just have to ride it until it goes away. Maybe writing about it will help. I'm having feeling of trepidation. I can't explain it away either. I just want it to stop.

pixie___masque @ 2009-03-04T02:17:00

2009-03-04T07:31:14Z

So I just finished all my homework in one shot two hours ago. I haven't felt so studious and focused in such a long time. Hooray for medication!! Or maybe I'm just happy. I was thinking about that today. Like a year ago I was balls to the wall miserable. Funny that, it was also when I was at my lowest weight too. Now I've gained like 15 pounds which I'm a little upset about but I can fix that with focus, motivation, and dedication which are all verbs I'm utilizing for school so why not for this? I have someone who loves me and tells me so all the time, I get to sleep with this person in my small teeny twin bed crushed up against him and I just feel so secure, comfortable and at ease. Being with him has made me appreciate myself more and realize what I'm able to do. I don't think I believe that saying "you can't love someone else before you love yourself" I think it's bullshit. Because I gave my love away I was able to love myself more than I ever have before. Maybe that's just me. I'm reading all this medical stuff and I just get so excited and homework doesn't feel like a chore like it used to all those other times I attempted higher education. The more I study the more I want to become a nurse and the more I feel like I can handle the work load. I adore medical stuff. I don't know what it is. Perhaps I've finally found my calling. Massage Therapy didn't do it for me. I can't stand the thought that you can only help/heal/whatever for those who can afford it. BLECH! I'm just rambling on and on.

for those of you who care my tv has been frozen for an hour. It's weird. Never had this happen before.

pixie___masque @ 2009-03-02T21:27:00

2009-03-03T02:31:44Z

So after more than a year...I'm getting my favorite job back!!!!! They wanted to be open by Wed but the blasted snow is pushing it to Fri. And I can now officially drive again. Oh to life choices, mistakes, and learning from them. Damn why must I learn things the hard, long, painful way? I guess its the only way to makes things stick in my thick head. Oh well. All is well now. The dreadies are maturing nicely. Theyre a mess right now but its all part of the process and they are only three weeks old. well....I need to finish my homework...one more chapter left!